A Christmas without a full nest...

My three kids {+1, my beautiful daughter-in-law, Krystal!} left-to-right: Chelsea, Krystal, Tommy and Tyler

As a Mother of three grown children, there is never a happier or more peaceful time for me than when my kids are all home and under one roof.  As they get further into their 20's, it happens less and less often.  It appears that it won't happen at all in the year 2013.  There is that "realist" part of me that has been expecting this and has already been mourning. But there has been that optimistic side that was holding on to the smallest glimmer of hope that something would work out, yet now feels broken and kind of panicked.  What will it even feel like to wake up in a house on Christmas morning and not have my kids all there?  It will be fine.  It will be different, and I will miss the one who's not there - but it WILL be fine. It will still be Christmas morning.  I will still get up and have breakfast with my family.  We will exchange presents.  We will spend our day together, reminisce about past Christmases.  More than anything, I will still celebrate the birth of my Savior.

There was a time that I thought I had to be in control of everything.  I had to know where everyone was {I thought it helped keep them safe somehow.}  But little by little I had to chip away at that need to always be in control.  As they went into adulthood, I had to trust that these kids that God so graciously entrusted me to carry in my womb and deliver into this world... to nurse in their first year of life and then raise into adults... somehow I had to see that God gave me those years to love them and pour into them.  Yet the time inevitably comes that as a Mother it is our job to step back and let what was poured into them find a way to the surface in their lives... in who they are, in who they choose to be.  They have to find their way, make their decisions, make their mistakes, deal with their hurts {although I reassure them I'm always right here for them!} and handle their own consequences.  I can celebrate their joys and triumphs, but even that is sometimes from the sidelines, as this is their time now - and they must find their own way.  

It is at this time in my life that I look at my own mother in a very different way.  Appreciate her in a way I never could have before.  There was no way before experiencing it myself that I could have understood.  I realize more the pain I put on her when I was younger, and it breaks my heart to know that there were many times I broke hers.  It wasn't that I even meant to... I was just too caught up in what was important to me, what I needed, how I saw things.  I was looking so much at my needs that I sometimes didn't even think of how it might impact that one person who loves me more than anyone else on this earth.  And while I am sorry for any pain I put on her, I am thankful.  I am thankful that she stood back and loved me anyway; that she had patience with me, knowing that I needed to learn these things.  She trusted that I would come back to her, that I would realize my deepest need for her in my life, and then we would move into a better relationship: Friendship. More than ever I can see how God teaches us so much about His great love for us through our relationship with our kids.

2013 has been a year of so many firsts.  A year of the most newness ever in my life.  And I will be thankful.  I will embrace even the hardest of the new, and know that I will come out stronger and better.  The greatest thing I have learned once again is that I don't have to be in control.  I just have to keep my eyes on the One who is: my heavenly Father.  He will never leave or forsake me, and He loves me with a love that is fierce and everlasting.  I won't ever be disappointed in Him.

Christmas morning of 2013 I plan to let my first thoughts when I awaken be thankfulness for what the day represents: the awesomeness that God loved us so much that He sent His Son to be born in a manger... knowing that He would die on the cross.  I will celebrate that with everything in me!  And while I will greatly miss those who I don't get to be with on that day {and I'm sure I will quietly shed some tears}, I will joyfully embrace those who are there with me.  It's going to be a very good Christmas! 

My children.... all through the years.  Through my enormous love for them I can understand a glimpse of how very much God loves me!

 

Formally Introducing to You: The Cracked Peach...

The Cracked Peach is my personal Blog that has been in the making for quite some time.  If you happen to be friends with me on facebook, or you follow my Photography by DonnaKay photography facebook {or any of the many other ways through social media that you can keep up with what's going on in my life}, then you know I'm a pretty transparent what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of woman.  I don't hide behind too much, as I've never found real safety in that anyway.  I also don't believe we can help each other through life when we're busy wearing a mask to hide our true selves.  Right away, let me warn you that this Blog will be real - it will be transparent - it may sometimes make you angry, it may sometimes make you cry, and hopefully it will most of the time make you laugh or smile.   My hope is that it will always make you feel; that it will give hope and encouragement.  None of my words are ever intended to hurt anyone else, actually just the opposite.  It helps me to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt the way I feel at a certain time... that I'm not the only one who has experienced some of the hard times life takes us through.  Okay... so now that we've gotten that disclaimer out of the way,  let's move on and get better acquainted....

2013 has been quite a year. It started like any other, I suppose.  I was never so glad to say goodbye to any year as I was 2012, yet didn't immediately see that there would be any difference in 2013.  Yet, I had hope.  Before the first month was over we had already started the ball rolling for some pretty big changes to start taking place.  Near the end of January there was an occurrence that made us realize more than ever that it was time to "pack our bags and get out of Dodge," so to say.  Our current home had served its purpose well in raising our family, but the kids are all grown and living their lives.  There were circumstances around us that we just didn't have the power to change.  Other people were making decisions that were greatly affecting us, and rather than fight people {which is simply not my style anyway!} it's sometimes best to just bow out and move on.  Let the win, if that's how they see it!  Often it is more about holding onto your dignity and integrity than going after what is fairly yours.  So... my husband {his name is David, just so you know whenever I reference him!} and I talked about finally making a big move - THE BIG move.  Putting our house on the market, leaving his private practice to finding something new & better, and making a complete change.  Suddenly it was as if a tornado hit our lives, but not in a bad way... kind of that "somewhere over the rainbow" way where you end up in a better place!  Within six weeks everything in our lives was turned upside down.  Our house was on the market, my husband had tons of offers for jobs - and we settled on the perfect one in my favorite location, and we started telling friends and family to prepare for the big changes coming.  It was mid-Summer before we moved, and those months in between January & July were often very long and trying, but when MOVING DAY arrived it was definitely a don't-look-back kinda day!  While we miss so many of our friends, we know true friendships do not have to change.  We all have choices to keep those alive and well.  What we don't miss is the UNtrue relationships that were hurting our life. The tension my husband had to work in with his partners had brought too much tension into our own lives...and we were living in a pinch that we should have walked away from a very long time before.  But as they say: "better late than never!"

Now move ahead to the last month of 2013, and the thoughts and feelings are so much different than a year ago.  It is simply amazing!  We wake up each morning in a place that we love.  Life is not perfect: the house in NC is still FOR SALE {ugh!!!} and we are living in a rental house for the time being.  But sometimes the place we live is about more than the location... it's where we are inside our hearts and minds.  We hold tight to our faith that God has been in control of this change from the very start. Therefore we have faith that He will also provide a buyer for our house in the perfect time.  I am in a good place in my heart and mind.  The fear of new things has been defeated over and over again these past months, and I am about to start up my photography business in this new hometown after the first of the year.  I'm hopeful and excited - more so than I've been in a very long time.  

The Purpose of this blog is not to just ramble {although at times that it what it may end up sounding like}, rather it is a place for me to share with you this awesome journey of life: the ups and downs, triumphs and disappointments, fears and accomplishments. We all have a story, and I want to share mine.  I would love to hear yours....

Thanks so much for sharing your time with me... I look forward to the next time!