Emptying my mind in yoga...

Several months ago I made the decision that it was time...FINALLY time to get myself into better shape.  I was about to turn 48 {which I did in early January} and I didn't want to be scrambling when 50 was right around the corner trying to get myself into shape.  So my first step was to finally start going to the fitness center that we had joined a few months earlier {the same one I had found every excuse in the world to not go so far!}  I am an introvert...BUT I like to think I'm a recovering introvert at this point in my life.  I have certainly been pushing myself out of my comfort zone more and more over the past couple years, and this past 8 months has almost seemed like a marathon!  There are times I feel as if I'm on a 12-step plan to recover from my extreme introvertedness.  And honestly, I don't always like all that it entails.

Ok... back to the fitness center.  

In my normal need-to-be-prepared way, I did go for a visit the day before to ask lots of questions, make sure I knew exactly where everything was, pick up a class schedule and even check out the best Exit spots {just in case I couldn't handle it once I got there and needed a quick escape!}  And then it was the day - I was going go DO IT!  Finally!  I put on my cute workout clothes and headed to the fitness center. I chose a Step-Aerobics class, and it kicked my tail.  Seriously, I almost felt like I needed to crawl to my car.  It wasn't actually the step-class itself, it was the last part which I later found out was Pilates.  That particular instructor is also a Pilates Instructor (and a very good one, I might add) and those were some of the exercises she incorporates for cool-down and mat-work at the end of step class.  I could barely do any of the exercises.  Excitedly, it didn't discourage me - but rather, it challenged me!  I don't like being told I can't do something or can't accomplish something - in fact, that's probably the best thing to say to me if someone really wants to push me.  I have been going regularly since.  As it turns out, I transitioned away from the step classes and now primarily enjoy both Yoga and Pilates regularly each week.  

If you've never done either of these, both Yoga and Pilates are focused a lot on breathing; about finding your core and working on that part of yourself, which in turn strengthens your entire body.  {Already I can both feel and see the positive results.}  There are also some instructors, especially with Yoga, who encourage you to clear your mind.  And this is where I am challenged.  Today when I was in Yoga class and we were sitting in position quietly as the class started, meditating on our breathing and on our core, I found scripture flooding my mind. "This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it." Josh 1:8... "I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways." Ps 1:2.... "He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30.... "Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth." John 17:17  Rather than emptying my mind, it was full of the Word of God.  And I found myself praying.  Praying for strength in these days that are sometimes scary or trying or overwhelming... or all of those things combined.  Praying for the love and forgiveness I need in my life to accomplish the things that I am set to accomplish before me.  Praying for clear direction, wisdom, discernment on this journey my life is on.  And as I continued to stretch my body, to breath through the class, to keep my core activated and working, I found my mind was also feeling less stressed.  When we came to the part of class where we were in positions that required balance and strength, I once again found myself praying, and the scriptures continued to flood my mind, and in them there was peace.  “'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor 12:9.... "The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped" Ps 28:7.... "The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him" Ps 18:1.... As the end of class was approaching, and I was facing the knowledge that the real work of my day was about to begin I found my favorite scripture flooding my heart and mind: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God" Heb 12:1-2.   

Maybe this isn't the intention in Yoga for clearing the mind, but for me this works best.  Very often in this life I have been reminded that it's not about me... it is all about Him.  "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20  As I walk through another day of this unbelievable journey God has planned just for me, I pray that my strength always comes from Him, and that I never empty my mind of His empowering Word. 

Celebrating 25 Years...

1st Birthday (and yes, I'm pregnant)

It's hard to imagine how 25 years could pass so quickly.  I look around and see all of the changes. I have all of the photos that show the years clicking by, but still it's hard to believe that son of mine is turning 25 today.  After all, I still remember that day as if it just happened. Let me start this story with the week before the REAL day.  

It was a cold Winter in 1989.  We seemed to constantly have snow that year.  It would clear up just in time for more snow to fall.  I had started having regular contractions during a weekend snowstorm, so off to the hospital I had gone.  I was so excited when I heard those words, "you're in labor" and was admitted to a birthing room.  I labored for a short time, and then another laboring mom was placed in the room next to mine.  Never have I heard so much screaming!  Even the nurses were concerned, because as they would come in and check on me, it appeared that my labor was fading away.  They tried everything to distract me... even having me hide in the bathroom which had more soundproofing than the room I was in... but to no avail.  All I could think was, "Oh no... please don't let it stop!"  This had felt like the longest pregnancy in history, and I was so ready to give birth to this child and finally hold him in my arms.  But that wouldn't turn out to the be the day.  By morning, I was sent home.  Labor had completely stopped.  I was sad.  The waiting resumed.

Exactly a week later I woke up feeling fine, but maybe a little strange.  I had almost resolved that I would be pregnant with this child for the rest of my life.  His due date had already passed by earlier that week, and there were no further signs that he was going to appear anytime soon.  Yet, as the morning went on, I became more and more uncomfortable.  It wasn't like before.  I really wasn't even sure that I was having contractions, and honestly wasn't sure this could be labor.  My 21-mo-old son was very concerned, as I really had never left him for any longer than an hour or two... and to be quite honest, I was a bit worried about how this would all turn out as well.  To give you a little history, my first son had to be delivered by c-section after over 12 hours of very hard labor.  Apparently they said it was Cephalopelvic disproportion.  There just wasn't the necessary room to get him through.  And that had broken my heart.  With this baby, I had gone 'round and 'round with my doctors, but I was determined to try my best at a natural birth.  It was what I had dreamed about for what felt like most of my life!  The anticipation was driving me crazy by this point.  Would I - or wouldn't I???  

To pass the time during that day 25-years-ago and not upset my first child any more than I had to, I would pick him up and carry him around the house.  Yes, I know... it was definitely NOT what the doctors would have wanted me to do.  But it was what I felt was best for him.  The way I reasoned, if I was carrying him then he felt safer... and he couldn't see my face as it contorted with the pain.  By afternoon, I was pretty sure something had to be going on, and I called the doctors office.  Was told to come right in, so I called my Mom to come stay with child #1. Off to the doctors office we went again.  This time I was not very hopeful, as I even had the car seat for my firstborn still in my car - and didn't even bring a bag just in case this was real and I was sent to the hospital.  Once at the doctors office, they checked me and sent me straight over to the hospital with the warning to not take too much time getting there.  By the time I got there and got into a room it was already close to 6 pm, and my doctor was soon to be on his way over to see how things were progressing.  But already it was looking promising for a vbac delivery.  A little after 7 when the doctor arrived and checked, he said I was a little over 6 cm, and that this would be like a first labor (since my first child was a c-section) so he was imagining that we'd be ready to deliver around midnight.  He was heading off to a meeting, and would check in afterwards.  Not long after he left the floor I insisted that the nurse come to my room... something was seriously not feeling normal.  And when she reluctantly checked, they were running to the parking lot to catch my doctor.  The baby was on the way!  No time to waste.  By 7:40, that baby was out with the first push - and quickly in my arms.  I will never, ever forget that feeling.  I thought I was Wonder Woman - I was a Superhero for sure!  I had just delivered a tiny human all by myself.  You seriously would have thought I was the first person in the world to have done this awesome thing!  The first person I called was my Mom, and the doctor had to tell me to get off the phone so they could finish delivering the placenta. 

With each of my three children, my world changed. But with my second child, there was the most worry in my mind about whether I could love enough.  This was something I had worried about throughout most of the pregnancy.  I worried that I loved my firstborn so much that there just wouldn't be enough love for the next child.  But on that day 25-years-ago I learned just how capable our hearts are of holding more love than we can ever fathom.  My heart grew a thousand times that day.  And I've never been the same.  

As for my son #2, there is nothing about him in my life that isn't #1 except his birth order.  He has brought me joy and laughter, sometimes frustration along with much silliness, many smiles and a few tears... but love beyond description.  And he can always be counted on for a hug.  I simply cannot imagine what I did in life that could ever make me deserve to be his mother... but I am forever filled with gratitude.

Now, for the photos....    

Tyler's favorite photo of himself... with Mickey Mouse!

Always silly...

Tommy & Tyler

...when Chelsea came along, she completely captured Tyler's heart...

Tyler's baptism... a day I'll never forget!

Tyler & Chelsea dancing

Such an awesome smile!!!

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY, TYLER-bug!

I LOVE YOU!!!!

 

Can One Voice REALLY Be Loud Enough?

It takes Passion to keep going.

Am I the only one who is guilty of seeing something that needs to be changed, yet at times holding onto that warped thinking of "Well, someone else will come along {who's better qualified, more educated, smarter, etc.} and they will take care of this."   Whether it's an issue in the community, in the state, in the nation, or in the world...it's often so easy to just think that my one little voice isn't loud enough to make a difference.  But what if everyone thought that?  And those people who DO prove to be loud enough - what makes them so special and more powerful?  Granted, we are all born with different gifts and strengths...we are born with different likes and dislikes.  But at the basis of human life there are some things that are always wrong.  And those wrongs are things we should raise our voices against.  

Wilbur Wilberforce was a very loud voice against slavery.  More precisely, he could be called a solo voice in the fight during much of his life.  He was not always popular, and at times his fight against slavery took everything out of him.  It affected his health, his relationships, his mind, his strength.  What he never lacked was passion - and that was what his fight against something so wrong could never take.  Maybe that is where we often get lost with the power behind our voice: in our true PASSION.  Passion for fellow humans.  Passion for Truth.  Passion for Jesus.  The Apostle Paul was another man of passion.  His passion first started as a Pharisee against Jesus; he was passionate to uphold the Jewish law.  But when He met and fell in love with the CREATOR of the law, his passions changed.  He then wanted to change the world around him, and bring to light the Truth that would then bring real change.  He was one very loud voice for the cause of Christ.  

My life has been anything but always exemplary.  Looking back along the road of my journey there are stains of mistakes, disappointments, hurts and stumbles.  But rather than seeing each of those marks as reasons to keep quiet, I can choose to hold tightly to the lessons learned, the blessings bestowed and strengths gained - and I can find a way to use my voice to help others.  My voice CAN be loud enough if I have the passion to fuel it against the things in this world that are wrong.  I don't have to be a Wilbur Wilberforce, or an Apostle Paul to make a difference...I can simply be Donna Kay, and my voice can still matter. 

When I think about the end of my life and what words will be on my headstone, I think of words like "diligent, persistent, passionate, kind"...this is the legacy I want to leave behind for others to remember. So this must be the life I choose to live to build that legacy.  

What is your passion?  What do you use your energy to fight for in this life?  We all have choices every day as to where we will speak up, and where we will be silent.  Make those choices wisely, and let your voice make a difference in this world. 

Celebrating This Day....

Today is January 16th. Once again it has rolled around and looms right in front of me.  Twelve years ago on this date my Grandmother was killed in a car accident in Concord, North Carolina.  Senseless, tragic, life-changing, devastating are just a few of the words that barely begin to describe that day.  Lenora Christopher Swink: the most wonderful Grandmother, confidante, friend, and Christian {among many other "wonderfuls" that she was to me and so many others} was taken from us by a tragedy that left a huge hole in the lives of many.  For a few years after her death, it was almost as if I had died as well on that day.  It is a day that I will never forget, but as the years have passed I have found on this day that rather than feel the anger and sadness I held onto for so long, I now feel a bittersweet celebration of my Grandmother's life.  Her birthday is in the Spring, and on that date we celebrate her date of birth.  But as the years have passed since her death, and I have grown in who I am, I find that on January 16th I now celebrate the wonderful life she lived, and the date she entered her eternal life.  This was actually what she was living for... what she was striving to attain.  And while I miss her, I wouldn't wish her back to this crazy world.


My expectations were that I would wake up this morning, and my first thoughts would undoubtedly be of the loneliness of the past twelve years without her. But God has been gracious in His mercy today.  I got up, grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out the door to Pilates class.  And on the quick drive there, I prayed for strength to get through this day...grace that is sufficient for me to go through this day and see the blessings rather than the holding onto the hurt.  And then I heard these words in a song that came on my Sirius/XM radio station:

"And it’s good
I got more than I ever thought I would
I can finally see how all the wrong turns and the heartaches
The lessons in the mistakes
Help me count these blessings like I should
And it’s so good

Every day’s a gift that I’ve been given
Every breath feels like a second chance
And everything I’ve done heaven has seen
And God just keeps on forgiving me, and I
Do my best to change what I can

And it’s good to know that I have been forgiven
Good to have her laying by my side
I’ve been given more than I deserve
For a past so full of bridges burned
I couldn’t make this better if I tried"
 

"Good" by Dave Barnes

There was no doubt in my mind that God was hugging me up in His arms and giving me exactly what I needed to get through this day.  To see the blessings my Grandmother placed in my life, that have lasted on and on even years after she was gone.  What a gift she was to my life, and to so many others.  My tears today are a celebration of her life, of the love she had for me, of the impression she left upon my heart that shaped me in many ways into the woman I am today.  

 

 
Have you ever experienced a hurt or disappointment that seemed too huge to handle?  Something you were pretty sure would take your breath away forever?  Let me assure you - God is a big god.  We were created by a Creator who loves us very much.  Nothing catches Him by surprise, and nothing that we go through in this life goes to waste.  He can turn anything around to bring Him glory.  His ways are definitely not my ways, and I have come to accept that I may never understand many of the why's and how's in this crazy life {at least not on this side of glory}... but I hold tightly to my faith that the day will come when it will all make sense. From here on, I will hold tightly to each tear that falls from missing someone who was so dear and important to my life...I will be thankful for every moment that I was so blessed to share with her.  

It's a Happy New Year -- and It's My Happy Birthday....

From the time I was a child my birthday felt like an afterthought.  To me it always seemed like I must've been born on the most inconvenient day of the year... and as I grew up, I became more and more convinced that was the truth.  January 2nd.  Just the second day into a completely new year.  Most people are just returning to work after New Year's, and some are returning after the entire holiday season.  But almost unanimously, people are tired from the holiday activities and busy-ness, they are broke, they are partied out. The last thing they want to do is throw on a birthday party hat.

Yet here we are again... it's January 2nd.  And it is my birthday.  But maybe we need to look at this entire year to get the full picture.  Afterall, it's a whole 2-days-old now!  I had a wonderful New Year's Eve, simply because I spent it with people I care about.  And New Year's Day - well, it was perfect.  I kept the Christmas tree lights on almost all day, drank coffee & hot tea throughout the day, watched movies on TV in between some football games, camped out on the sofa under a big warm blanket napping of & on through the afternoon, and when it was finally late enough moved to my bed to sleep for the night.  Awoke this morning to my birthday.  I've done this 48 times now.  And honestly, it never gets old!  I'm not one for needing to be in the spotlight.  Just the opposite actually.  But I absolutely love to hear "Happy Birthday" on MY special day!  Maybe it's knowing that someone remembers me, or they are thinking of me.  Whatever it is, it makes me feel important and special and treasured... and loved. 

So now that I am here - 48-years-old - what will I do?  What resolutions could I possibly make this year that I haven't made in years past?  Truth is, I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions... rather, I make resolutions every day to be a better, kinder, more compassionate, more generous person.  But this year I find I am more passionate about embracing my life, my relationships, my walk with Jesus, my health... more than I've ever felt before.  There was a lot of loss, sickness and fears in 2013, and it's time to move past them.  So 2014, combined with turning a new number, will be my inspiration to wake each morning and think first of what I'm thankful for... even if it is just simply that I awoke for one more glorious day on this earth. 

 

A Christmas without a full nest...

My three kids {+1, my beautiful daughter-in-law, Krystal!} left-to-right: Chelsea, Krystal, Tommy and Tyler

As a Mother of three grown children, there is never a happier or more peaceful time for me than when my kids are all home and under one roof.  As they get further into their 20's, it happens less and less often.  It appears that it won't happen at all in the year 2013.  There is that "realist" part of me that has been expecting this and has already been mourning. But there has been that optimistic side that was holding on to the smallest glimmer of hope that something would work out, yet now feels broken and kind of panicked.  What will it even feel like to wake up in a house on Christmas morning and not have my kids all there?  It will be fine.  It will be different, and I will miss the one who's not there - but it WILL be fine. It will still be Christmas morning.  I will still get up and have breakfast with my family.  We will exchange presents.  We will spend our day together, reminisce about past Christmases.  More than anything, I will still celebrate the birth of my Savior.

There was a time that I thought I had to be in control of everything.  I had to know where everyone was {I thought it helped keep them safe somehow.}  But little by little I had to chip away at that need to always be in control.  As they went into adulthood, I had to trust that these kids that God so graciously entrusted me to carry in my womb and deliver into this world... to nurse in their first year of life and then raise into adults... somehow I had to see that God gave me those years to love them and pour into them.  Yet the time inevitably comes that as a Mother it is our job to step back and let what was poured into them find a way to the surface in their lives... in who they are, in who they choose to be.  They have to find their way, make their decisions, make their mistakes, deal with their hurts {although I reassure them I'm always right here for them!} and handle their own consequences.  I can celebrate their joys and triumphs, but even that is sometimes from the sidelines, as this is their time now - and they must find their own way.  

It is at this time in my life that I look at my own mother in a very different way.  Appreciate her in a way I never could have before.  There was no way before experiencing it myself that I could have understood.  I realize more the pain I put on her when I was younger, and it breaks my heart to know that there were many times I broke hers.  It wasn't that I even meant to... I was just too caught up in what was important to me, what I needed, how I saw things.  I was looking so much at my needs that I sometimes didn't even think of how it might impact that one person who loves me more than anyone else on this earth.  And while I am sorry for any pain I put on her, I am thankful.  I am thankful that she stood back and loved me anyway; that she had patience with me, knowing that I needed to learn these things.  She trusted that I would come back to her, that I would realize my deepest need for her in my life, and then we would move into a better relationship: Friendship. More than ever I can see how God teaches us so much about His great love for us through our relationship with our kids.

2013 has been a year of so many firsts.  A year of the most newness ever in my life.  And I will be thankful.  I will embrace even the hardest of the new, and know that I will come out stronger and better.  The greatest thing I have learned once again is that I don't have to be in control.  I just have to keep my eyes on the One who is: my heavenly Father.  He will never leave or forsake me, and He loves me with a love that is fierce and everlasting.  I won't ever be disappointed in Him.

Christmas morning of 2013 I plan to let my first thoughts when I awaken be thankfulness for what the day represents: the awesomeness that God loved us so much that He sent His Son to be born in a manger... knowing that He would die on the cross.  I will celebrate that with everything in me!  And while I will greatly miss those who I don't get to be with on that day {and I'm sure I will quietly shed some tears}, I will joyfully embrace those who are there with me.  It's going to be a very good Christmas! 

My children.... all through the years.  Through my enormous love for them I can understand a glimpse of how very much God loves me!

 

Formally Introducing to You: The Cracked Peach...

The Cracked Peach is my personal Blog that has been in the making for quite some time.  If you happen to be friends with me on facebook, or you follow my Photography by DonnaKay photography facebook {or any of the many other ways through social media that you can keep up with what's going on in my life}, then you know I'm a pretty transparent what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of woman.  I don't hide behind too much, as I've never found real safety in that anyway.  I also don't believe we can help each other through life when we're busy wearing a mask to hide our true selves.  Right away, let me warn you that this Blog will be real - it will be transparent - it may sometimes make you angry, it may sometimes make you cry, and hopefully it will most of the time make you laugh or smile.   My hope is that it will always make you feel; that it will give hope and encouragement.  None of my words are ever intended to hurt anyone else, actually just the opposite.  It helps me to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt the way I feel at a certain time... that I'm not the only one who has experienced some of the hard times life takes us through.  Okay... so now that we've gotten that disclaimer out of the way,  let's move on and get better acquainted....

2013 has been quite a year. It started like any other, I suppose.  I was never so glad to say goodbye to any year as I was 2012, yet didn't immediately see that there would be any difference in 2013.  Yet, I had hope.  Before the first month was over we had already started the ball rolling for some pretty big changes to start taking place.  Near the end of January there was an occurrence that made us realize more than ever that it was time to "pack our bags and get out of Dodge," so to say.  Our current home had served its purpose well in raising our family, but the kids are all grown and living their lives.  There were circumstances around us that we just didn't have the power to change.  Other people were making decisions that were greatly affecting us, and rather than fight people {which is simply not my style anyway!} it's sometimes best to just bow out and move on.  Let the win, if that's how they see it!  Often it is more about holding onto your dignity and integrity than going after what is fairly yours.  So... my husband {his name is David, just so you know whenever I reference him!} and I talked about finally making a big move - THE BIG move.  Putting our house on the market, leaving his private practice to finding something new & better, and making a complete change.  Suddenly it was as if a tornado hit our lives, but not in a bad way... kind of that "somewhere over the rainbow" way where you end up in a better place!  Within six weeks everything in our lives was turned upside down.  Our house was on the market, my husband had tons of offers for jobs - and we settled on the perfect one in my favorite location, and we started telling friends and family to prepare for the big changes coming.  It was mid-Summer before we moved, and those months in between January & July were often very long and trying, but when MOVING DAY arrived it was definitely a don't-look-back kinda day!  While we miss so many of our friends, we know true friendships do not have to change.  We all have choices to keep those alive and well.  What we don't miss is the UNtrue relationships that were hurting our life. The tension my husband had to work in with his partners had brought too much tension into our own lives...and we were living in a pinch that we should have walked away from a very long time before.  But as they say: "better late than never!"

Now move ahead to the last month of 2013, and the thoughts and feelings are so much different than a year ago.  It is simply amazing!  We wake up each morning in a place that we love.  Life is not perfect: the house in NC is still FOR SALE {ugh!!!} and we are living in a rental house for the time being.  But sometimes the place we live is about more than the location... it's where we are inside our hearts and minds.  We hold tight to our faith that God has been in control of this change from the very start. Therefore we have faith that He will also provide a buyer for our house in the perfect time.  I am in a good place in my heart and mind.  The fear of new things has been defeated over and over again these past months, and I am about to start up my photography business in this new hometown after the first of the year.  I'm hopeful and excited - more so than I've been in a very long time.  

The Purpose of this blog is not to just ramble {although at times that it what it may end up sounding like}, rather it is a place for me to share with you this awesome journey of life: the ups and downs, triumphs and disappointments, fears and accomplishments. We all have a story, and I want to share mine.  I would love to hear yours....

Thanks so much for sharing your time with me... I look forward to the next time!